If you were to google Top 10 reasons for Divorce, the searches will produce a list which includes, among others, infidelity, lack of communication, money issues but the most significant factor in divorce is control, or lack thereof. A generalized sense of control is important to well-being in daily life.[1]
Often, one party tends to exert control over the other. This may be subtle. Always controlling the TV remote or always decided what’s on the dinner menu. In many cases, it is more overt and more damaging. Controlling money, access to friends, or access to opportunity. It is never a good situation.
The inevitable result, divorce. The question is, how do you, as the party who lacks control, move forward. You have a couple of avenues in divorce. Retain an attorney and litigate the divorce in court. Alternatively, you can seek mediation.
What we have found is that through mediation, each party expresses their interests and each party has a voice. The mediator can guide the parties through this process of distribution of the marital estate. It is not easy. The most difficult part is making the decision to divorce and communicating that to your spouse. As a mediator, I understand that. Through mediation, the focus is on you as a couple and your collective agreement on how to dissolve the marriage. In contrast, in a litigation setting, months, and sometimes years are spent waiting on a judge to take control and tell you how the marital estate will be divided.
Without fail, the feedback I receive from my clients, post-divorce, is how much better off they are divorced, because they now control their own lives. It makes sense. Happiness is linked to control. The more control you have of your ideas, your life and your future, the happy you tend to be. Mediation can get you there.
[1] Larson R. Is feeling “in control” related to happiness in daily life?. Psychol Rep. 1989;64(3 Pt 1):775-784. doi:10.2466/pr0.1989.64.3.775
